Though #snowmageddon2015 was really not the “End of Days” scenario it was predicted to be, it certainly brought the world a wealth of endless entertainment by way of Craigslist personal ads for NYC “blizzard boyfriends.” Turns out, nothing brings perfect strangers together for a snuggle quite like the anticipation of possibly “the biggest snowstorm in the history of this city,” as Mayor de Blasio affectionately labeled Juno.
After all, cuddling may be the key to survival. Who’s to say? The need for comfort is real, and by now, its presence has taken up residence on your couch. The world beyond your window is softly blanketed in sheets of swirling white, you’re fully stocked on storm rations (wine, cheese and frozen pizza) and your blankets are roomy enough for two––it’s enough to make even the most antisocial among us crave contact.
But where others seek snowpocalpyse relief in human affection, I’ve set my sights on a deeper sense of security––sartorial satisfaction. And if you think that means I’d pick articles of clothing over the basic human desire for company of others, then you’re absolutely right!
Oh, and I’m speaking beyond the obvious layers and layers of necessary clothes. In fact, I’ve cultivated a personal relationship with one item, in particular, and I’m here to make a case for the only “blizzard boyfriend” you really need: the beanie.
Before I convince you why this infallible accessory is the answer to your comfort conundrum, let me explain to you my qualifications for such an assertion.
A Floridian by birth, I was raised in the rays of the sun. And as any Florida-dweller will tell you, the peninsula is home to two types of weather: hot and less hot. So while my collection of jelly sandals, one-piece swimsuits and embroidered jorts was on-point, my paltry winter wardrobe left something to be desired.
In a classic case of “grass is always greener” jealousy, I came to the conclusion that––obviously because I couldn’t wear them––coats, boots, sweaters and, of course, beanies must be the luxurious uppercrust of any fashionable woman’s wardrobe.
I nursed a deeply profound and somewhat ironic appreciation for winter wear for the better part of my Floridia-bound life, so I had plenty of time to dwell on exactly what piece would solidify my wardrobe, once I lived in the Majestic Land of Four Seasons.
Years of careful thought and deliberation hooked me on the beanie.
Arguably the most versatile and frankly accountable wardrobe staple, a beanie is available for you every season of the year––no “fair-weather friend” symptoms to be had. Cold or hot, sunny or overcast, a beanie is always an appropriate addition and will never leave you hanging.
Take the fall, for example, when the first chill marking ‘Open Boyfriend Season’ slices through the air like a ceramic knife through Jell-O. A beanie is all too happy to dance into your life, warming not just your head, but your heart. When the days get shorter and natural disasters like snowmageddon rear their ugly head with all the ferocity of an abominable snowman, the beanie is still thrilled to hold you tight, no questions asked.
Then long after snuggly sweater weather is just a puddle of a memory on the side of a melted snowbank, spring’s sundresses and summer’s tanks are still perfectly complemented by that trusty topper––in varying fabric thickness, of course. Devoted faithfulness like that is just too hard to come by these days!
A one-night stand may feel gratifying in the short-term, but will said-“blizzard boyfriend” be there when the makeup is off and the hair resembles a hotel for the city’s smallest creatures? You can bet the beanie will be! In fact, a beanie is there to embrace that bird’s nest like the Ritz-Carlton it is.
The beanie casually whispers in your ear, “Give me your flat hair, your rough-looking roots, your knotted tangles erupting from your freezing, uncovered head. I will give them shelter,” but there’s no pressure or anything, of course, because beanies aren’t about that life.
It’d be impossible to laud the many magical mysteries of the beanie without touching on a final crucial piece––the heartbeat of the hat, if you will. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that––aside from its awesome accountability, unconditional embrace of my flaws and unrivaled ability to provide warmth to my head––the major take-away when it comes to this headwear is definitely the confidence boost.
Everybody knows beanies are the adopted uniform of crusaders of cool from surfers and skaters to motorcycle-jacket reppin’ pool hustlers, and a little edge of your own is certainly a must when the accelerating windchill’s caustic breath slams your cheekbones.
But everything your “blizzard boyfriend” reserved for cuddling provides, my beanie can do better. It’s all the emotional comfort of rent-a-snuggle but with the added benefit of being a totally chic piece that leaves you calmer, cooler and way more collected than how it found you. If you can find me a Craiglist blizzard boyfriend capable of that, then my hat’s off to you!
Just pass me a hairbrush first.